Friday, August 13, 2010

Dear You...Love Me

Dear You,

I am not confident that this is the most appropriate way to say this but I think I am more eloquent when I am not facing you. I get nervous and giddy...and all that freshman feeling when I am around you, so forgive me if I have to resort to writing you a letter.

When somebody teases you with love and promises of forever-and-evers, you let your guard down and let the wondrousness of it envelop you. Then he takes it all away from you just like that, you become angry and wretched. You refuse to believe that it even happened or that love was real. I call it an almost love. 

So I was obviously not the best person to fall in love with. That last love’s pain took things away from me. I was disenchanted by the idea of romance. I was no longer devastated or bitter.  I just had no spirit or excitement for it. It was all blah.

Then you come along and connect me back to what delusional thoughts of love I used to have.  You roll this intense and complicated feeling into beauty, ugly and mad spool of steady love.  I want it so badly. I want it to be you so badly.  

I fall in love with your little details: how you would wake me up in the mornings with the scent of freshly brewed coffee; or, when you would just rummage through my bag only to grab a camera and take snapshots of my moment; or, when you always keep me in mind when ordering something for dinner so I can have a taste of what you’re having. The surprise notes, the laughter in the silliest matters and the comfortably quiet moments.  You made me feel it is you I love each time you do these little things. 

I have to be lying when I say that I am not scared, or at times I am unsure of you.  I know that you will hurt me eventually. Unintentionally. So before that even happens, I hurt you first.  That’s when I would lose my temper, scream at you, throw things at you and run away. 

I would hate myself for being selfish and love you more for understanding and accepting. How you manage to deal with my erratic moods, stubbornness and inconsistencies with monk patience remains obscure. I love you for making me believe that I was capable of a relationship and a family. So we build a home and eventually, little cutouts of ourselves. 

We will definitely have more petty arguments and overwhelming fights. Maybe we’ll get tired of each other and decide to get out of marriage. Maybe we’ll squabble until we have grandchildren.  What I am trying to say is that although I am unsure of tomorrow, I want to thank you, in advance, giving ourselves a chance to happiness and building a lifetime of memories, my darling. 

I know that this is the most inopportune time to say all these as we have not met. In the meantime, will you do me a little favor of just allowing me to be what I am while in search of  you?  Let me draw you. Let me paint you. Let me write you notes, letters and poems until my message reaches you. And, when it does, will you come find me?



Tracie said...

I love it, so beautiful. I feel the vunerability, and can totally relate. Writing is always so much easier to express feelings.

Sini said...

I agree, so beautifully written. It made my heart stop,i dont know how to describe the feeling.

born2blush said...

'you' is on his way to your 'me'... is your 'me' ready to be found by your 'you'? remember to color outside the lines and borders when you're painting him... and then let the fun begin.

Tara E said...

Woooow M! I absolutely adore you, this is beautiful!

Dr. Bill Bushing said...

Hey... I'm on my way

Anonymous said...

OMG! This is wonderful! It made me cry. I'm in a bit of a similar position! You've managed to say everything I've been thinking and/or feeling!

mice_aliling said...

Tracie, Thank you! Writing does that. I tend to not miss a lot out. But we need the spontaneity of conversations. Sometimes not-well-thought of things don't turn out the way you want it to be.

Sini, I'm glad you liked it.

Born2blush, the colors outside the lines make everything interesting.

Tara, thank you for stopping by. I love you back!

Bill, haha, I'll see you whenever.

Anonymous, I now know who you are. haha. Glad I'm not alone.

Shlinki said...

this is soooo beautiful babe! And I LOOOOVE the new background more... calming and accepting and less aggressive (to my opinion ;)

Katrina said...

awwwww great letter :)

Anonymous said...

Nice...seems I fall in love again :) but it seems like an old love letter from an old attic...because the date....but a classic beautifully written...lucky guy.....a secret behind it...but expressingly true and. Mysterious....maybe there's a conclusive second letter somewhere...exciting part to wait the other part...I love it!!